So There's This Boy...

“So, there’s this boy and he kinda has my heart”

My myspace headline reads.

‘So who’s the boy?’ they all ask.

‘Not you,’ I wish to reply,

‘Why is it you need to know?’

Everyone is asking, unless they think they know,

Then they just sit and smile in smugness,

With a false name resting on their tongues.

Everyone except the boy.

He never asks, never so much as hints.

Does he know?  I think he wishes,

But doesn’t much dare to dream,

That I could be his and he could be mine.

It’s not that I don’t love him,

For nothing could be farther from the truth.

I just know neither of us is quite ready,

And I can’t bear to break his heart.

But for now, everything is safe though slow, and

Since no one knows, there are no rumors spreading ‘round

About the boy who holds my heart

The one who warms my smile.

Give it time and soon the headline may transform;

So, there’s this boy and he finally has my heart.

A New Challenge

My boyfriend has challenged me to write a page a day for a year so that in the end I will have my first novel.  I have no idea where this story is going, but I have just completed page 2 of it.  I'm hoping I can make this goal.  We shall see.

Patiently Impatient

I feel completely suffocated

As though nothing I do is right.

Is it not enough to let me live?

I will never be who I used to be

People grow, people change

This is how it’s supposed to be.

Can you not accept the way things are?

Is it really that difficult to let go?

I have to explore my options.

I desperately want to be more.

I’m heading in this direction.

Nothing you say will make me turn around.

I can’t tell you everything.

And when I do tell you,

It’s apparent you don’t listen or care.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder

Why I have ever bothered.

You’re controlling, rarely caring.

I’m reaching out for a new life,

Jumping in with both feet.

I want new experiences.

To go through this journey. 

I want to finally be me...

"Calendar Company"

At this point, I'm pretty sure no one but myself is aware that this blog exists.  But just in case, here is some nice advertising for my boyfriend and good friends' production company, Out of the Void.  They just posted their first sketch "Calendar Company" and we are excited for it and the future projects they're currently working on.  Facebook likes, Youtube comments, and blog reads would be much appreciated.  Thanks!

The Girl Within

Every morning I put on that brave face.
No one sees the tears 
Hidden barely beneath the surface.
It takes almost nothing for my lips to quiver
And for the cascade of tears to flow,
And still, the world is oblivious.
I used to pray for invisibility.
It seems I did one thing right
No one takes notice...
As my entire universe crumbles around me
No one is aware...
How much longer can I play this part?
Can I make this charade last any longer?
Will I finally let the world see 
The terrified girl within?

And So My World Shatters

Too many uncontrolled moments

No longer am I filled with calm.

Instead rage is taking over

Filling every possible crevice.

I force these feelings aside

But despair takes it's place.

Is this really who I'm becoming?

Didn't I used to be happy?

Sometimes I can barely remember...

Understanding used to be simple

I never tried, I just did.

Now I'm engulfed in worry

Over what I know will eventually come.

Here Again

Sitting here again
Full of caffeine
Avoiding sleep
Afraid of dreams that fulfill all wishes
Only to wake…

Wake to remember
That things are still the same
And I am still alone
Wishing on stars and candles
But knowing this is how it could always be

As time passes
Things hurt less
I forget to miss you
Until I remember
Just how much I need you

And then tears swell
You should be here
Those moments
That should be special
Are empty without you

I counted my blessings
Knew how much you meant to me
But still I lacked courage
To say those words
“I LOVE YOU”

I've signed things with “love”
But what did you read?
Friendship likely
Crushing maybe
My whole heart completely?

I’d give anything
For a second chance
To tell you all
To hold you one last time
To risk everything

Nothing could be worse
Than this empty feeling
The reminders that you’ve left

The skipping heartbeat
When you walked in the room
Made every day glorious
I don’t know how
I gave you up so easy

I may never know
What could have been
I will never forget
But I wonder if you ever remember.

I wrote this New Year's Day 2010 in the early early hours.  My how things have changed.

We Used to Be Friends

We Used to Be Friends

How do I write this?

How do I say it?

But who you once were,

Is not who you’ve become.

How do you look in the mirror,

Without bursting in shame?

How can you look me in the eye,

While lying to my face?

Don’t think I’m clueless.

I see who you’ve become.

Soon, I hope you will too,

It’s not too late to mend your ways.

But it may be too late to mend our friendship.

Sweet Addiction

Sweet Addiction

I’ve had a taste,
That small sample,
And now there’s no breaking
This sweet addiction.

I’ve fallen in love,
This feeling is exhilarating,
Freedom, decision making,
Choices that are mine/

I’ve never known
Just what I was missing.
Running my own life...
How can I ever go back?

I’ve never asked for much,
Or anything really.
But that I’ve experienced
Sweet addiction, I’m not coming back.

Let Me Go

Pointless questions,
A droning voice
Demeans my friends,
Tries to control my life.


I can barely take this anymore.
I can hardly stand to be around you
Not when so much anger is boiling.
I’ve done as much as I can
And yet that’s not enough.
What gives you the right
To tell me how to live?


You never gave me opportunity.
I’ve never received your encouragement.
My successes have never meant a thing.
So why should I listen?
Why should I care?
Your opinion is meaningless,
You’ll never offer support.


I desperately need to break away
Even if it means tearing you apart.
Your reality is false.
We don’t have the relationship you think.
I don’t need to depend on you.
Despite your lacking,
I know that I can be strong.

A Few Random Things About Me

So far I've only posted poems here.  I'm not quite up to blogging about my life (writing in my journal for my eyes only and posting online for the world to see are two completely different things), but for anyone who wonders, here is a tiny bit of insight into my head (and yes, it pretty much is a myspace survey):

Do you have any plans set out for your future? If so, what are they?

Of course, the biggest is becoming a published author.

Has anyone ever told you that they LOVE you?

I’m very happy to say that yes, he has.

How old were you when you learned how to read?

Began to learn in kindergarten, became pretty good at it in first grade.

What is the strangest thing anyone has ever said to you?

Hmm...one would be: “oh no, let’s get some spatulas!”  But there are many.  Some can be found here.  I am guilty of some of the strangeness as well.

How many times a day do you brush your teeth?

I shoot for twice, though admittedly it doesn’t always happen.  But sometimes I’ll brush 3+ times.

When you're reading, do your lips tend to move?

I don’t think they do, but I’m pretty sure I make facial expressions in response to what I’ve read.

How many language classes have you taken and what languages were they?

I took a year of Spanish in high school and a semester of sign language in college.  I really liked sign language and want to someday learn more.

Do you sleep more or sleep less than eight hours per night?

Sadly less.  There’s just not enough time in the day for sleep.

Do you have a large CD collection?

I would say so.  Though there’s only a few cds in constant rotation in my collection.

Has a person ever lied to you so much that you can no longer trust them?

Yes, yes they have.

Do you have a fear of the Doctor and/or the Dentist?

Nope.  Six years of braces (meaning visiting the orthodontist once a month and dentist every four months) cured me of any fear of the dentist.  Going to the doctor is a bit of an annoyance because I hate being sick, but again, no fear.

Do you respond well to any types of medicines?

Pain medication usually makes me extremely drowsy, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Are you a jealous person?

Nope.  Occasionally I’ll feel a twinge of jealously, but I try desperately hard to not dwell on it.  I try to trust people and not overact or jump to conclusions.  But I am the type of person who will quickly cut ties with someone if they hurt me.

Does/did either of your parents serve in the military?

Nope

Does it bother you when people talk through your television programs?

It depends on the person and the show.  I have more patience with certain people, that’s for sure.

Did you enjoy going to Kindergarten?

I think I did.

Do you have recurring dreams and/or nightmares? If so, what about?

I rarely, rarely dream and it’s even rarer for me to remember my dreams.  I don’t recall any recurring dreams.

Have you ever had a concussion? If so, what from?

Not that I recall.

Do you own any paintings?

Yes, my nana’s grandniece painted me a portrait of Hermione from the Harry Potter series.

Have you ever had a detention? If so, what for?

Once in 7th grade because I forgot to have my parents sign a form.  The punishment did not fit the crime.

Are you afraid of dying?

Not really, I know that’s it’s inevitable.  I’m only afraid of dying in a painful, terrifying way (drowning for instance).

Can you shoot a gun?

I never have, so my guess is no.

Do you tend to see the beauty in everything?

I try.  I’m very much a ‘glass is half full’ person.

Are you able to find inspiration in anything?

Not necessarily.  But I have found inspiration in interesting places.

Do you have good eyesight?

I wear glasses, but my eyesight isn’t horrible.

Have you ever been in a vehicle accident?

Thankfully no.

Do you enjoy reading educational magazines?

Some

When it comes to money, are you a big spender or more frugal?

I’m pretty frugal.  I am pretty cheap about certain things (food is one of the few things I don’t worry about the cost of, everything else, not so much).

Do you ever spontaneously start singing?

Sometimes.  I love to sing, but am aware that I’m not that good at it.  But that’s not a total loss.

Do you honestly care what others think of you?

Honestly?  Occasionally, on certain things, I can’t help but worry about what others will think.  But for the most past, I don’t care.

Finding My Happy

I’ve never been alright with my happiness

Celebrated the joy of others

But could never take mine own seriously.

I knew it was only a matter of time

The rug would be pulled out

Soon I’d suffer another heartbreak.

I thought I gave him my heart

Believed it to be gone forever

Because I knew he’d never return my love

I didn’t realize my crucial mistake

Instead of giving my heart to “love”

I hid it so well, even I couldn’t find it.

And then that moment of fate

The day you came into my life

My heart came out of hiding.  Just for you.

This feeling is strange.  A constant smile on my lips

I’m sure my eyes light up whenever you’re near

The safety I feel when in your arms?  Bliss.

I could never have imagined

What was missing from my life.

Wishes

I’m running out of wishes.
Happiness has succumbed me.
There is very little reason to star gaze 
Waiting for that falling piece of dust 
To place every hope and desire,
In it’s less than capable hands.


I don’t think I believe in destiny.
Pretty sure I’ve decided my own fate.
No mystic power runs my life,
Every moment has been up to me.
My choices have brought me to you,
And I’m exactly where I want to be.


I’ll still wish on shooting stars,
Birthday candles, driving through tunnels
and when the clock reads 11:11.
Some habits run too deep to break.
But instead of wishing for changes
I’ll only wish for more moments like these.

For Better or For Worse

I’ll admit,

I’ve donned my shortest skirt, my tightest shirt

When I knew you’d be around.

Hours spent perfecting my hair,

Teeth scrubbed to reveal layers of whiteness beneath mounds of metal.

I’ve rehearsed smiles in front of my bedroom mirror.

And in spite of it all

You’ve seen my in my dorkiest pjs,

Watched me spill and stain my favorite tee,

You’ve seen my hair swept by wind, going every which way but down,

Being attacked by leaves and UFOs.

Braces full of gunk as you make me laugh over platters of pancakes.

You’ve been around as I’ve made my gruesome faces,

And as I’ve done the impossibly dumb.

So even though I hold no claim to your heart,

After you’ve seen me at my best

Everyday I give my thanks, you’re still my friend,

After seeing me at my worst.

Jealousy

Words inspired by my least favorite emotion:

Oh bitter jealousy!

You show your ugliness at the most unpleasant times.

Just when I’m finally happy, 

There you are, back in my life

I don’t want to feel this way.

Your choices, your decisions

Have no influence on my life.

So why am resentful?

It’s great if you are happy,

I’d never ask for anything more.

But why is acid churning in my stomach?

This sour taste in my mouth worries me.

I am content with my heart,

My life is going sufficiently.

But there you are, despite everything,

Residing in the back of my mind.

I’m trying to let go of this feeling

I don’t need to worry about you

Only want concern for my own existence,

With time, hopefully this all will fade.

Numb

Partially inspired by Anna Nalick's "Bleed."

I know that it's over.

I feel nothing.

I don't miss you.

I don't love you.

I don't want you.

And yet...

I miss who you used to be.

I loved you once upon a time.

I want you to be happy.

I can't believe I had those feelings.

You really weren’t worth the time.

The only thing that's come from "us"

Is pitiful poetry.

I hate that I've cried over you.

Those tears told me that we would never be.

If you were right you wouldn't make me cry.

I hate that I wasted years waiting.

I put my life on hold

And you never noticed.

What did I see?

Everything I wanted,

you weren't

But I'm not bitter.

Only saddened.

Maybe I broke your heart too,

I'll never ask.

Won't try to possess the courage.

I want no regrets.

And truly have none.

But I wish things had ended without pain.

I know it's over.

I feel nothing.

My Disdain for Shoes

I always trip, I often fall,

I have no time to hang at the mall.

‘What’s the point,’ I ask myself,

Of three feet of shoes piled on a shelf?

My closet seems bare, not one designer thread,

There are five million t-shirts, hanging there instead.

My beautifully outworn high-tops, beginning to tear,

The flip-flops I practically never wear,

The cute shoes for prom-I ended up barefoot instead.

Can’t you just see me in sneakers on the day I am wed?

Brand name shoes, prices high,

Heel stabbed toes wishing to die.

Girls tumbling, girls stumbling, balance falling short,

Complaining that “it hurts!”  Why inflict pain of any sort?

Is it really necessary to choose fashion over comfy soles?

And a handful of new pairs over a few minor holes?

Fools Like Me

Inspired by Vanessa Carlton’s “Hereos and Thieves” album 

“And in these broken times I promise I will not forget, 
Though you’re not mine upon your shoulder I can rest, 
Cause you always give me your best.” 
-Vanessa Carlton "My Best" 

How can I even begin to describe the moment? 
The moment I realized that my soul was blasting from the speakers. 
That every regret, every wish, every dream 
Existed in someone else’s words, 
And I had an outlet to get those feeling out. 

I cried the entire way home, 
Switching from one track to another, 
Trying to find a song that would ease the pain. 
Instead of tugging at my heart and 
Telling me that everything was about to change 

I cannot listen to this cd without missing you desperately. 
Every line could be taken from my diary. 
How does someone I’ve never even met, know? 
Know how bad it hurts losing you? 
Does she need her love the way I need you? 

I cannot believe that I’ve lived this long without you. 
Years have passed so fast, 
Yet the moments drag so slow. 
I listen to the melodies and remember- 
The happy way things used to be. 

I remember every minute, every smile. 
I hold on to that last embrace, as though it’s all I have. 
I try not to dwell, knowing that things will never be the same. 
You don’t even know the extreme 
That your existence has impacted me. 

I listen to the words in reflection now- 
How could things have been different? 
Would it really have been fair? 
I’ll always wonder and question. 
Perhaps our love could have been real. 

“There are people in this lifetime that we should never meet, 
Cause to be here now without you, well, my life’s so incomplete, 
I tell you what you mean to me, maybe then you’ll see 
Cause the only one I come undone for is you” 
-Vanessa Carlton "Undone" 

Separated Feelings

I’m not that shy innocent little thing anymore.
I see the world with new, wonder-filled eyes.
I’m not that little girl who knows nothing.
And I can’t know everything,
But I know that this is right.

I know that every moment is worth it.
I know that I am no longer yours.
Yes, you helped me grow,
Began the teaching,
Showed me that there could be more in life,
But those moments are gone.

I’m coming to realize
I need the chance to spread my wings.
I need the opportunity to fly.
I need the chance to fall.
I need to make my own choices.

Don’t be heavy hearted.
Everything is changing
But everything must.
Time will not stand still
And holding on to the past
Hurts more than you know.

This is not a good-bye.
It’s a request.
I ask you to trust me,
Know I’ve learned,
Know I’ll be okay.

Surely you see the sparkle in my eyes.
You must realize this is the new reality.
I’m not going anywhere,
Nor am I ever going back
To the way things used to be.

Breaking

“Hey, can you talk a little louder?  I don‘t think my heart is broken enough.”

-Anna Nalick, Paper Bag

Gossip.

Rumors.

Trash-talk.

Smack.

‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?’

Is there a bigger lie 

In the history of teenage existence?

Everyone’s passing the

‘She said’

‘He said’

‘She did what’s?’

Your enemy,

Your best friend,

The target doesn’t matter.

If the story’s juicy,

Then the world must know.

If my news can one-up yours

My brain loses all restraint,

The urge to bite my tongue is gone

And those angry words gush.

Heart’s breaking.

Tears flowing.

The drama’s becoming harsher.

It’s more than these fragile egos can take.

Will there ever be a breaking point?

I’m scared for them,

Scared for me,

Holding your head high 

Can only last for so long.

At some point the accusations will be too much

Who will catch them when they fall?