Sunday, March 27, 2011

We Used to Be Friends

We Used to Be Friends
How do I write this?
How do I say it?
But who you once were,
Is not who you’ve become.
How do you look in the mirror,
Without bursting in shame?
How can you look me in the eye,
While lying to my face?
Don’t think I’m clueless.
I see who you’ve become.
Soon, I hope you will too,
It’s not too late to mend your ways.
But it may be too late to mend our friendship.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sweet Addiction

Sweet Addiction

I’ve had a taste,
That small sample,
And now there’s no breaking
This sweet addiction.

I’ve fallen in love,
This feeling is exhilarating,
Freedom, decision making,
Choices that are mine/

I’ve never known
Just what I was missing.
Running my own life...
How can I ever go back?

I’ve never asked for much,
Or anything really.
But that I’ve experienced
Sweet addiction, I’m not coming back.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Let Me Go

Pointless questions,
A droning voice
Demeans my friends,
Tries to control my life.


I can barely take this anymore.
I can hardly stand to be around you
Not when so much anger is boiling.
I’ve done as much as I can
And yet that’s not enough.
What gives you the right
To tell me how to live?


You never gave me opportunity.
I’ve never received your encouragement.
My successes have never meant a thing.
So why should I listen?
Why should I care?
Your opinion is meaningless,
You’ll never offer support.


I desperately need to break away
Even if it means tearing you apart.
Your reality is false.
We don’t have the relationship you think.
I don’t need to depend on you.
Despite your lacking,
I know that I can be strong.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

A Few Random Things About Me

So far I've only posted poems here.  I'm not quite up to blogging about my life (writing in my journal for my eyes only and posting online for the world to see are two completely different things), but for anyone who wonders, here is a tiny bit of insight into my head (and yes, it pretty much is a myspace survey):

Do you have any plans set out for your future? If so, what are they?
Of course, the biggest is becoming a published author.
Has anyone ever told you that they LOVE you?
I’m very happy to say that yes, he has.

How old were you when you learned how to read?
Began to learn in kindergarten, became pretty good at it in first grade.

What is the strangest thing anyone has ever said to you?
Hmm...one would be: “oh no, let’s get some spatulas!”  But there are many.  Some can be found here.  I am guilty of some of the strangeness as well.
How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
I shoot for twice, though admittedly it doesn’t always happen.  But sometimes I’ll brush 3+ times.

When you're reading, do your lips tend to move?
I don’t think they do, but I’m pretty sure I make facial expressions in response to what I’ve read.

How many language classes have you taken and what languages were they?
I took a year of Spanish in high school and a semester of sign language in college.  I really liked sign language and want to someday learn more.

Do you sleep more or sleep less than eight hours per night?
Sadly less.  There’s just not enough time in the day for sleep.

Do you have a large CD collection?
I would say so.  Though there’s only a few cds in constant rotation in my collection.

Has a person ever lied to you so much that you can no longer trust them?
Yes, yes they have.
Do you have a fear of the Doctor and/or the Dentist?
Nope.  Six years of braces (meaning visiting the orthodontist once a month and dentist every four months) cured me of any fear of the dentist.  Going to the doctor is a bit of an annoyance because I hate being sick, but again, no fear.

Do you respond well to any types of medicines?
Pain medication usually makes me extremely drowsy, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Are you a jealous person?
Nope.  Occasionally I’ll feel a twinge of jealously, but I try desperately hard to not dwell on it.  I try to trust people and not overact or jump to conclusions.  But I am the type of person who will quickly cut ties with someone if they hurt me.

Does/did either of your parents serve in the military?
Nope

Does it bother you when people talk through your television programs?
It depends on the person and the show.  I have more patience with certain people, that’s for sure.

Did you enjoy going to Kindergarten?
I think I did.

Do you have recurring dreams and/or nightmares? If so, what about?
I rarely, rarely dream and it’s even rarer for me to remember my dreams.  I don’t recall any recurring dreams.

Have you ever had a concussion? If so, what from?
Not that I recall.

Do you own any paintings?
Yes, my nana’s grandniece painted me a portrait of Hermione from the Harry Potter series.
Have you ever had a detention? If so, what for?
Once in 7th grade because I forgot to have my parents sign a form.  The punishment did not fit the crime.

Are you afraid of dying?
Not really, I know that’s it’s inevitable.  I’m only afraid of dying in a painful, terrifying way (drowning for instance).
Can you shoot a gun?
I never have, so my guess is no.

Do you tend to see the beauty in everything?
I try.  I’m very much a ‘glass is half full’ person.

Are you able to find inspiration in anything?
Not necessarily.  But I have found inspiration in interesting places.

Do you have good eyesight?
I wear glasses, but my eyesight isn’t horrible.

Have you ever been in a vehicle accident?
Thankfully no.

Do you enjoy reading educational magazines?
Some
When it comes to money, are you a big spender or more frugal?
I’m pretty frugal.  I am pretty cheap about certain things (food is one of the few things I don’t worry about the cost of, everything else, not so much).
Do you ever spontaneously start singing?
Sometimes.  I love to sing, but am aware that I’m not that good at it.  But that’s not a total loss.

Do you honestly care what others think of you?
Honestly?  Occasionally, on certain things, I can’t help but worry about what others will think.  But for the most past, I don’t care.

Finding My Happy

I’ve never been alright with my happiness
Celebrated the joy of others
But could never take mine own seriously.


I knew it was only a matter of time
The rug would be pulled out
Soon I’d suffer another heartbreak.


I thought I gave him my heart
Believed it to be gone forever
Because I knew he’d never return my love


I didn’t realize my crucial mistake
Instead of giving my heart to “love”
I hid it so well, even I couldn’t find it.


And then that moment of fate
The day you came into my life
My heart came out of hiding.  Just for you.


This feeling is strange.  A constant smile on my lips
I’m sure my eyes light up whenever you’re near
The safety I feel when in your arms?  Bliss.


I could never have imagined
What was missing from my life.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Wishes

I’m running out of wishes.
Happiness has succumbed me.
There is very little reason to star gaze 
Waiting for that falling piece of dust 
To place every hope and desire,
In it’s less than capable hands.


I don’t think I believe in destiny.
Pretty sure I’ve decided my own fate.
No mystic power runs my life,
Every moment has been up to me.
My choices have brought me to you,
And I’m exactly where I want to be.


I’ll still wish on shooting stars,
Birthday candles, driving through tunnels
and when the clock reads 11:11.
Some habits run too deep to break.
But instead of wishing for changes
I’ll only wish for more moments like these.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

For Better or For Worse

I’ll admit,
I’ve donned my shortest skirt, my tightest shirt
When I knew you’d be around.
Hours spent perfecting my hair,
Teeth scrubbed to reveal layers of whiteness beneath mounds of metal.
I’ve rehearsed smiles in front of my bedroom mirror.
And in spite of it all
You’ve seen my in my dorkiest pjs,
Watched me spill and stain my favorite tee,
You’ve seen my hair swept by wind, going every which way but down,
Being attacked by leaves and UFOs.
Braces full of gunk as you make me laugh over platters of pancakes.
You’ve been around as I’ve made my gruesome faces,
And as I’ve done the impossibly dumb.
So even though I hold no claim to your heart,
After you’ve seen me at my best
Everyday I give my thanks, you’re still my friend,
After seeing me at my worst.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Jealousy

Words inspired by my least favorite emotion:

Oh bitter jealousy!
You show your ugliness at the most unpleasant times.
Just when I’m finally happy, 
There you are, back in my life

I don’t want to feel this way.
Your choices, your decisions
Have no influence on my life.
So why am resentful?

It’s great if you are happy,
I’d never ask for anything more.
But why is acid churning in my stomach?
This sour taste in my mouth worries me.

I am content with my heart,
My life is going sufficiently.
But there you are, despite everything,
Residing in the back of my mind.

I’m trying to let go of this feeling
I don’t need to worry about you
Only want concern for my own existence,
With time, hopefully this all will fade.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Numb


Partially inspired by Anna Nalick's "Bleed."

I know that it's over.
I feel nothing.
I don't miss you.
I don't love you.
I don't want you.

And yet...

I miss who you used to be.
I loved you once upon a time.
I want you to be happy.

I can't believe I had those feelings.
You really weren’t worth the time.
The only thing that's come from "us"
Is pitiful poetry.

I hate that I've cried over you.
Those tears told me that we would never be.
If you were right you wouldn't make me cry.

I hate that I wasted years waiting.
I put my life on hold
And you never noticed.

What did I see?
Everything I wanted,
you weren't
But I'm not bitter.
Only saddened.

Maybe I broke your heart too,
I'll never ask.
Won't try to possess the courage.
I want no regrets.
And truly have none.

But I wish things had ended without pain.

I know it's over.
I feel nothing.