So There's This Boy...

“So, there’s this boy and he kinda has my heart”

My myspace headline reads.

‘So who’s the boy?’ they all ask.

‘Not you,’ I wish to reply,

‘Why is it you need to know?’

Everyone is asking, unless they think they know,

Then they just sit and smile in smugness,

With a false name resting on their tongues.

Everyone except the boy.

He never asks, never so much as hints.

Does he know?  I think he wishes,

But doesn’t much dare to dream,

That I could be his and he could be mine.

It’s not that I don’t love him,

For nothing could be farther from the truth.

I just know neither of us is quite ready,

And I can’t bear to break his heart.

But for now, everything is safe though slow, and

Since no one knows, there are no rumors spreading ‘round

About the boy who holds my heart

The one who warms my smile.

Give it time and soon the headline may transform;

So, there’s this boy and he finally has my heart.

A New Challenge

My boyfriend has challenged me to write a page a day for a year so that in the end I will have my first novel.  I have no idea where this story is going, but I have just completed page 2 of it.  I'm hoping I can make this goal.  We shall see.

Patiently Impatient

I feel completely suffocated

As though nothing I do is right.

Is it not enough to let me live?

I will never be who I used to be

People grow, people change

This is how it’s supposed to be.

Can you not accept the way things are?

Is it really that difficult to let go?

I have to explore my options.

I desperately want to be more.

I’m heading in this direction.

Nothing you say will make me turn around.

I can’t tell you everything.

And when I do tell you,

It’s apparent you don’t listen or care.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder

Why I have ever bothered.

You’re controlling, rarely caring.

I’m reaching out for a new life,

Jumping in with both feet.

I want new experiences.

To go through this journey. 

I want to finally be me...

"Calendar Company"

At this point, I'm pretty sure no one but myself is aware that this blog exists.  But just in case, here is some nice advertising for my boyfriend and good friends' production company, Out of the Void.  They just posted their first sketch "Calendar Company" and we are excited for it and the future projects they're currently working on.  Facebook likes, Youtube comments, and blog reads would be much appreciated.  Thanks!

The Girl Within

Every morning I put on that brave face.
No one sees the tears 
Hidden barely beneath the surface.
It takes almost nothing for my lips to quiver
And for the cascade of tears to flow,
And still, the world is oblivious.
I used to pray for invisibility.
It seems I did one thing right
No one takes notice...
As my entire universe crumbles around me
No one is aware...
How much longer can I play this part?
Can I make this charade last any longer?
Will I finally let the world see 
The terrified girl within?

And So My World Shatters

Too many uncontrolled moments

No longer am I filled with calm.

Instead rage is taking over

Filling every possible crevice.

I force these feelings aside

But despair takes it's place.

Is this really who I'm becoming?

Didn't I used to be happy?

Sometimes I can barely remember...

Understanding used to be simple

I never tried, I just did.

Now I'm engulfed in worry

Over what I know will eventually come.

Here Again

Sitting here again
Full of caffeine
Avoiding sleep
Afraid of dreams that fulfill all wishes
Only to wake…

Wake to remember
That things are still the same
And I am still alone
Wishing on stars and candles
But knowing this is how it could always be

As time passes
Things hurt less
I forget to miss you
Until I remember
Just how much I need you

And then tears swell
You should be here
Those moments
That should be special
Are empty without you

I counted my blessings
Knew how much you meant to me
But still I lacked courage
To say those words
“I LOVE YOU”

I've signed things with “love”
But what did you read?
Friendship likely
Crushing maybe
My whole heart completely?

I’d give anything
For a second chance
To tell you all
To hold you one last time
To risk everything

Nothing could be worse
Than this empty feeling
The reminders that you’ve left

The skipping heartbeat
When you walked in the room
Made every day glorious
I don’t know how
I gave you up so easy

I may never know
What could have been
I will never forget
But I wonder if you ever remember.

I wrote this New Year's Day 2010 in the early early hours.  My how things have changed.